Today there has been no time for photographs. In fact there's no time for photos, no time for clearing out the mail, and frankly, no time for me. (Although in all honesty I suspect I have more time alone than most. The problem is that being more than a little introverted, there's never too much time alone.)
It's so busy that when there is time, I just flop onto the sofa and stare at the TV. I am managing to find time to spin a little, knit a little, and best of all, spend some time with friends, but today was 11 hours at work and after the 17th really sick human being I turned to my resident and said, "I'm done." I had to watch myself halfway through speaking to our last patient because I just wanted to cry when I saw her. People think that the longer you do medicine the harder you get; I find it just the opposite. What I could overlook when I was young and carefree, breaks my heart now.
And I feel that I work so hard on fixing one kind of problem, only to find another one turns around and starts to make itself known.
And of course everybody is tackling something of their own. Something that worries them, occupies their time and makes them question themselves. None of these feelings are unique to me. And that's a comforting thought. Not that I wish these times on anybody, but I feel like when you are not alone, being herd animals, we are reassured. At least I am.
So here I sit. Being grateful that the world is full of equally anxious and self critical souls.
I am also grateful for re-runs of The Big Bang Theory. (I love their silliness and am smitten with Sheldon.)
I am also grateful for trashy post apocalyptic YA novels. (Don't ask.)
And lavender scented candles from Whole Foods.
And nieces. And nephews.
And pumpkins! Pumpkins everywhere in Fall. My new favourite is kabucha pumpkin. Sliced and roasted with olive oil and sea salt, they're better than dessert. (The pumpkin beer was unexciting and will not be repeated.)
I want to say that I'm grateful for Costco, but frankly I have a Costco problem and should really just avoid that place...
As Thanksgiving comes up, I want to work on gratitude. Interestingly I am theoretically ok with that but find that replacing guilt with gratitude is much harder than it sounds. Gratitude is such a positive feeling, that frankly, it feels a little uncomfortable. And that's a strange thing to realize.
So I am focusing on being grateful and trying to come to terms with the idea that having a conscience doesn't mean you have to be miserable. Oy. This could take a while.